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Where to from here?


2015 certainly hadn’t started as I had intended. I tried going back to the gym but my poor body just couldn’t take it. I walked around in a haze as days turned into weeks, turned into months. When I look back now there is little I remember of that time. I had some acupuncture sessions to keep me ticking over but on the whole I felt numb.

Gemma


I had promised myself that I would host a workshop in my local area some time that year and I was determined to make it happen. Sundays came and went and very little progress was made on this front.
While researching a space for the workshop in late 2014, I had come across a therapy and counselling centre called The Phoenix Centre run by Gemma Mc Cabe. We had emailed a couple of times regarding room rental and her emails were always kind, understanding and friendly. From the moment I crashed in January 2015 I kept hearing a little voice telling me to “call Gemma, call Gemma” which I largely ignored instead choosing to listen to the many excuses I usually create for myself – I can’t afford it, I don’t have the time, It’s too far away, I don’t have the energy etc… I don’t know why I was so reluctant. I’d been in therapy a few times before and I had always found it to be immensely helpful. The ego mind and the inner saboteur can be tricky devils to deal with. The ego is never ready for what the soul wants to do.


By March however I’d had enough and I was ready to act on the nudges I was getting. In a moment of despair one evening after work, I finally called Gemma who was gracious enough to give me an appointment the following evening. I remember that first meeting so well. Sitting in the armchair I felt like a big blob. I had so little energy I could barely keep my head up. All my pent up frustration, anger, resentment and hopelessness came flooding out while Gemma held a space for me and patiently listened. Do not underestimate the power of another human being witnessing your pain with compassion and lack of judgement – it is a true gift.
At later sessions I discussed my fear of possibly being severely depressed and my occasional thoughts of suicide both of which Gemma told me were normal for someone who had been dealing with this ongoing illness for so long. She assured me that she didn’t feel I was severely depressed but justifiably down due to my circumstances. It was such a weight off my mind that she verbalised what I knew deep down to be true.


I’ve been going to Gemma almost every week since then. Her support and guidance have been inspiring and life-changing. As a judgement-sensitive individual, I am programmed to read even the slight hint of judgement in someone’s expression I can honestly say I have never seen even a glimmer of judgement on Gemma’s face. She is remarkable.

A little spark of hope


In April I went ahead with my workshop with two lovely ladies in attendance. As a born teacher, I enjoyed my time with them immensely. I had very positive feedback from them both and after it was over I knew “this is what I’m on the planet for.” A little spark of hope was born.


However the debilitating fatigue continued. I went back to Italy and Greece to my Greek family for some much needed R&R and while the experiences were almost identical to the year before, I felt neither relaxed nor rested upon my return.  While in Greece I had watched a documentary on FMTV called E-motion which discusses how trapped emotions and repressed experiences can cause chronic illness in the body. One of the contributors to the film, Dr Bradley Nelson, has developed a technique called The Emotion Code which helps to release this trapped energy. I was intrigued. I checked it out and requested a free consultation with an Emotion and Body Code practitioner. The next day a lovely American woman called Wendie (who had used this technique to heal herself of Lupus) Skyped me and we started working together. Lots of things came to the fore during our sessions however a common theme was how I wasn’t expressing my spirituality in the world. I started to reconnect with my intuition which I had repressed for a long time for fear of being seen as a “weirdo” and I rediscovered my passion for angels. It was so nice to speak to someone who held similar beliefs and she became a kind of spiritual mentor for me.


It felt great to have reconnected with my spiritual side although I still trusted my intellect above all else. However one evening after a particularly bad bout of brain fog, I had a conversation with my angels as I was driving home from work. While I was crying and begging them for an answer, a feeling of peace came over me and I heard “All is well.” Later that evening when I went to bed I said a prayer telling the universe I had no more answers, I was exhausted, I had had enough and that I was surrendering all control over to God. I could do no more and so I promised to follow whatever guidance I was given.

Resistance


Shortly after I read an article in Natural Connections about woman who had used a technique called Biomagnetism for to treat Lyme disease. The centre was pretty local and with nothing left to lose, I made an appointment with a practitioner called Sherrie. I’m still not sure exactly how biomagnetism works. It’s a bit like Kinesiology with the use of magnets to rid the body of parasites, bacteria, viruses or anything else that is causing dis-ease. Believe me, even to an open-minded person like me, I know it sounds hokey but I had promised myself I would follow my guidance without question. In all honesty it was an up and down experience. The sessions were more expensive than I could realistically afford and the thought of investing in the suggested 10 or more sessions made me uncomfortable and a little resistant to the treatment. At times I felt an increase in energy levels and at other times I felt awful afterwards. Sherrie explained we sometimes have to get worse to get better but I wasn’t convinced. After one particularly bad episode I suspended treatment although I believe now my resistance and fear of the expense was largely to blame for the severity of the reactions. My ego wasn’t ready to give up just yet.

D-Day


The rollercoaster of CFS continued until one fateful Sunday in July. I woke up with a slight headache, which had been with me from the day before, but it was a sunny day and I was determined to get out for a walk. I felt uneasy from the first step but I powered through. Only 15 minutes in, my head started to pound and it felt like my brain was about to explode. I turned around and headed for home stopping every few steps because I was so disorientated. When I got to the carpark I could go no further even though it’s a stone’s throw from my house. Thankfully a kind lady could see I was in distress and offered me a lift. She also offered to call an ambulance but I declined. All I wanted to do was get through my front door without collapsing. Once inside I threw myself on my bed and sobbed and screamed like I’d never done before. I was so scared I had a brain tumour and I felt so powerless.


My mother knew I’d been having a bad week and called during my breakdown. I tried to keep it together so as not to worry her but as soon as I heard her voice I burst into tears again. You can imagine how concerned she was! She wanted to come and get me straight away but all I wanted to do was hang up and pull the covers over my head so she made me promise I would go to the doctor the following morning.


I slept like one can only sleep after long bouts of crying and headed for the doctor’s surgery. I chose a different doctor as it was nearer to work and I wanted a fresh opinion. She was very understanding and took a variety of blood samples and a urine sample (at my request). When I asked her what the course of action would be if the tests came back normal, which deep down I knew they would, she suggested the same solution of SSRIs. As soon as the words were out of her mouth every cell in my body silently screamed “No!” I asked her if she thought I was depressed to which she replied “no” and when she couldn’t explain the proposed course of treatment I was seriously pissed off. With the anger came a little bit of empowerment, I was determined I wasn’t going down that route unless someone could give me a valid reason for it. Later that day, I met my mother and my heavily pregnant sister for lunch to get some support but more than anything to reassure them I wasn’t going to kill myself. To this day I feel bad about the worry I must have caused them.

The Turnaround


A couple of days later I had a chance conversation with a client who told me that 10 years previously he had been bedridden with fatigue. Because he worked on a farm, doctors were convinced his symptoms were due to a bacterial infection and wanted to put him on high doses of long-acting antibiotics which he refused. Instead he decided to do an intensive course of acupuncture three times a week for 8 weeks and he eventually got better.


This was exactly the encouragement I needed! I thought about the treatments I felt had helped me over the years and decided to create my own intensive healing plan. I was going on holiday in just over six weeks so that’s how long I gave myself for the plan to work and if it didn’t work, I would go back to the doctor and follow her advice. It was an expensive idea but deep down I truly felt it was the right path. I discussed it with my mother who kindly offered to lend me the money so I promptly booked acupuncture, reiki, physical therapy and nutritionist appointments. I also went back to Sherrie for biomagnetism. I had an appointment with someone almost every night of the week!


Two weeks into the healing plan, I was already seeing results which I kept to myself for fear it was a placebo response that would be short-lived. I was following my guidance and step by step I was being shown where to go and what to do. During a session with Sherrie she told me that heavy metals were contributing to my fatigue. When I mentioned this to Fiona, one of my acupuncturists, she said “Well then you have to see Conor. He’s a nutritionist who specialises in heavy metals.” After a 2 hour comprehensive consultation with Conor he recommended I send a urine sample to a lab in Germany for testing as my first port of call.

Finally! An Answer!


By the time I got the results I was on holiday and the six-week plan was over. I had been experiencing marked increases in my energy levels and overall wellbeing however I couldn’t afford to continue with so many treatments. To say the results shocked me is an understatement! I had extremely high levels of mercury, lead, thallium, copper, arsenic and nickel in my system. Conor said he had rarely, if ever, seen such high readings.
I finally had an answer and diagnosis for my illness. The relief was immense. I wasn’t going insane! I was put on a chelation protocol for 3 months but I noticed an 80% improvement after the first treatment.  An added and completely unexpected bonus to the chelation was the fact that I had a normal and pain-free period for the first time ever without the contraceptive pill. I have had a complicated history with my period since the day it started and now every month has been a breeze for the past 8 months. This alone was more than enough proof that heavy metals have been largely responsible for a variety of health issues.


In conclusion, my life has done a 180 since then. I still have the odd “bad day” but I put this down to residual metals leaving my system or a flare up of bacteria or a virus that may still be lurking in my body. I continue to eat well, avoid toxins, get occasional treatments and use supplements for support. I will probably have to do so for the rest of my life. Who cares! Compared to the alternative it isn’t a high price to pay. Most importantly, I continue to listen to my inner guidance or my inner truth as I have come to call it. I trust it more and more each day and it has yet to fail me. It has changed my life so radically that I am now on a mission to encourage others to listen to their intuition more hence why I started Your Inner Truth.


I know this blog has been a long one but I feel it’s a necessity to give hope to those going through the same thing. So thank you for sticking with me. In my next blogs I’m going to discuss what I have unearthed about the various, possible causes of CFS and ways to support your treatment. They will be much shorter, I promise!

A big thank you to all the friends, family members and therapists who have helped me on my journey. You know who you are and I am eternally grateful. <3

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